According to environmentally conscious liberals, we’ve reached peak oil. If the diminishing returns on Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Karavan, Kaleb and Karmann Ghia (I may have made a few of those up) are any indication, we’ve probably hit peak Kardashian, too.
But make no mistake: Our beloved country will never, ever, EVER hit peak Richard Simmons.
When we found out that the man who makes Caitlyn Jenner look like Nick Offerman killing a honey badger with his bare hands was taken into custody because of “bizarre behavior” last week, we knew something was up.
And apparently, something definitely was — Simmons is apparently pulling his own Jenner and “transitioning” into a woman.
According to Radar Online, Simmons has opted to choose the most expensive and painful way to lose a little bit of weight and is transitioning into a woman named Fiona.
This, according to sources, is the reason why Simmons has been in hiding for almost three years.
The National Enquirer released a photo of Simmons as “Fiona” on its cover, which literally looks like Judy Garland’s last known photograph before shooting up and overdosing on smack in a West Hollywood flophouse circa 1967:
The Enquirer chose its typically understated way of announcing what had transpired, noting that Simmons had undergone a “secret boob job & castration surgery.” While the latter seems superfluous for Simmons, this is not entirely dissimilar to the process Bruce Jenner went through when he decided
that yes, he really was that desperate for attention to transition.
In fairness, though, Jenner reportedly decided to keep the undercarriage setup intact.
No word yet on what surgical method was used to remove Simmons’ fro.
According to the Enquirer, Simmons has been going around in women’s outfits for some time now.
“Richard would go into great detail about the outfits he would wear,” a source said. “It’s a fun thing for him to do.”
While the Enquirer may not be the most reliable source on a lot of things (see also: Cruz, Ted), it has a sordid history of being predictably correct on macabre details of Hollywood peccadilloes like this. In addition, major sources like Drudge and Fox News have now picked up the story, though another report had Simmons’ rep denying the story.
Perhaps notable is the absolute radio silence from the LGBT community so far when it comes to Simmons’ transition.
The one thing that they always held over anyone who would question Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner’s transitioning was that he was an Olympic hero at one point. There was no question that this was someone who was doing what they did of sound mind and body (although they had problems when anyone brought up the Kardashian connection).
As for Simmons, few of us would have been surprised if he’d been arrested after being found naked on the baggage carousel at Chicago O’Hare, playing solitaire with his Deal-a-Meal cards. For some people, the biggest surprise might have been that Simmons was still identifying as a man, much less as a man allowed to walk freely and possess sharp objects.
I wonder why there’s no rush to embrace him in the same way people embraced Jenner. Well, actually, let me rephrase that — I don’t. I wonder why there’s nobody asking that question as forcefully as it needs to be asked.
I knew Richard Simmons had a strict diet. Did he really need to give up sausage this way, though?
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