Prepare yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, for the end of civilization draws nigh, as forecast to us by a rock.
Yes, a rock. Literally a rock in a leather pouch that has been flying off the shelves at Nordstrom for $85 a pop because people have lost their minds.
Fox News explained: “Each holiday season, there always seems to be some new product that winds up being the hottest item. This year, it’s a rock.”
In the words of Seinfeld character Elaine Benes, “What is wrong with all you people — have you all gone mad?”
“A paperweight? A conversation piece? A work of art? It’s up to you, but this smooth Los Angeles-area stone — wrapped in rich, vegetable-tanned American leather secured by sturdy contrast backstitching — is sure to draw attention wherever it rests,” a description for the rock in question read at Nordstrom.
Better idea: Throw it at whoever gave it to you for Christmas. Hard.
As of Saturday morning, this literal piece of rock — you know, the same thing Charlie Brown complained about getting for Halloween — had sold out because so many Americans had purchased it, apparently believing that it would serve as the perfect gift for their loved ones.
Or their enemies, maybe. We really have no way to know. And probably don’t want to.
According to Made Solid, the company that “designed” the gift, these rocks were not even meant as a joke.
Instead they were made to be “really cool, labor-intensive objects that are used as everything from paperweights to doorstops to home/display accents,” as reported by BuzzFeed.
— Josh (@doshjacks) December 5, 2016
Cue the facepalm.
Humor aside, the fact that so many Americans were willing to shell out nearly $100 for a rock was a bit disconcerting, as it pointed to a lack of restraint. Like the ancient proverb says, “A fool and his money are soon parted.”
And the fact that so many Americans were burying their money in a metaphorical pile of rocks suggested that either people had lost their minds — or the End Times were indeed nigh.
Although I guess we survived the “pet rock” craze of the 70s, so maybe this won’t be so bad. I’m going to keep telling myself that, anyway.
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